Not a secret

Yes, it was never a secret. Just that I learnt not to talk about it to prevent those teary/embarrassing moments. It has been so many years that I even lost track as to how long that I never talked about it already.

That night, it just came as a shock to me, and maybe to many others who know me for a long time already, as to why I allowed myself to talk about it. To a deeper level that I would usually not get myself into.

But I just realised, the feelings are the same, I never hated her. Talking about her released some emotions. I do not know whether those emotions are a mixture of or just some kind of “sadness”, “unfairness”, “miss”, “love” or what. No matter what, I am still very sure the “urge” is not here yet. And “fury” and “hate” are not part of those emotions.

Maybe growing up added some money matters into my life such that I expect something as a payback to my family. In the end, it is actually not like that after all? Maybe as I mature more, I will understand my own feelings better. And perhaps, even the “urge”?

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