Archive for August, 2009

Reality…

I am treading towards it with fear.

I do not want to live in denial.

I suppose…

I am walking out of it?

Towards reality?

 

Just sometimes…

Sometimes…

Looking back…

Just to see how happy I was…

That is what I am trying to relocate…

 

Time, courage and perseverance =)

From myself

Care and support =)

From you all

All I ever need =)

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I ask…

Because unlike you.. I learnt (ok, still learning) to simply not make assumptions. With any doubts I ask! You used to be a person like that. Or perhaps you used to act like you were like that. After your mask failed you, I learnt better than the world is full of such people like you.

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Sick of all these.

I am so sick of being told that I am a weakling. I reckon crying and admit to being sad and emotional are not signs of weakness?! Nonetheless, many people told me about how weak, easily bullied, naive, etc I am. I have always thought I portrayed myself to bee a strong person. I guess it was just all ego and pride playing. Oh well, I shall learn to be stronger =)

But, I learn good enough stuff ever since my first year here in Monash University. Mingled a lot with people from all walks of life and made more than just a few good friends. At the same time, seen a lot of ugly natures of people.

People who cannot accept others to be different from them. People who would never learn to disagree yet still laugh about it. People who chose to be dishonest. People who chose to have many different personalities within the same time range. People who thrive on people unhappiness by creating the misery for them. People who just would not do things the grown up way. People who could only see wrongs in others but not oneself.

All those probably apply to me. But I try to spot them and get them corrected. Maybe because I do too much self reflecting sessions, I got so tired of self-correction. I want to live life with mistakes and learn. But people are not accepting all these mistakes. Things happened, they turn sour and keep grudges. They chose not to talk things out. They do things the childish way. What can I do? Be sour too?

I just want to be happy and enthusiastic about life. I want to make lemonade out of the lemons people throw at me. I want to see only the brighter side of things. I do not want to listen to one side of a story only. But, it is always one side of the story told and the other side hidden. Everyone should be a grown up now and should deal things the direct way. If you are a person who would be very direct about things, why choose the childish way? This just baffled people as to how fake you are.

People said I was too sheltered and over-protected. Never seen the ugly side of life. Who are they to really say that? But in comparison, probably I haven’t seen a lot of those. School class size was small. Basically mingled with the same people from kindergarten till A levels. Not much dramas happened. Dramas are always in the television. They are not reality. Now, I realised, I used to and maybe still am, living in denial that such drama-like things exist in the world.

Why can’t I have a simple life? The answer is just because I complicated things in my mind. Maybe ignoring things and cut out people that do not really matter so much are the best way out. However, I need a lot of learning to achieve that level. Words do get into my head but I need time and perseverance to be able to do that. Thank you for all the time and advice people =)

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Long weekend!

It is always him who made me tear. OK, I should say the coincidence that when he talked to me, I was very down and depressed. Things that I am not supposed to dwell in, things I am supposed to just ignore, etc… I know very well.

Just when the things happened, it hurt… like hell… OK, I do not know how being in hell is like. But I felt like I was thrown into a deep black hole. Unable to climb up. Crying has always been a good way to let me let go of the things inside me and cheer up again.

But I dislike the aftermath where my face is warm, eyes are red and watery and the red round nose! The breathlessness. The throaty voice. Nevermind, people who saw, just pretend that I was having a bad case of flu. Thank you.

I must really get this thing into my head: “Happiness is not what happened but how we reacted to what happened.” CHEERS =)

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Updates during busy times.

Have been really hectic. And still very hectic. Sorry to a certain few whom I neglected and also to whom I promised to Skype with. Just too busy. And my cough is still around, I do not know why. Just felt like vomiting when I cough a tad bit violently.

Been four days I had diarrhea but I guess it is not going to lead to gastric. I am keeping my stress level at bay. Doing things at my own pace and enjoying the moments of sleeplessness.

Hand is a lot better and I decided I do not want to depend on the bandage. I wake up with slight pain only nowadays (or maybe I am used to the pain already?). Just trying to use less of it but its unavoidable.

I never want to worry my family but yeah, they worry still. However, they understand now and do not bombard me with questions/nags all at one go at around the same time. No matter if they are all sitting together, they would want me to personally call each of them up to talk about how I am. Likewise, they will also sms/call me individually.

They know that made me very sad and stressed. Now, its better. Sort of like they have allocations. HAHA Its like the other day, my sister would MSN me regarding my health and work. Then the next day, my uncle (albeit now not in Brunei. Constantly flying around). The next next day, my aunt. And today, my dad. They are learning to take turns HAHAHA. Found it some what cute.

Hmmm I am thinking about Shanghai and Internship. I was very keen on going to Shanghai and my uncle supported my choice because its good exposure and experience. Now, I am skeptical.

My aunt seems like she thinks its better that I do an internship but she is not giving me pressure. She just advice me to not do a hasty decision. Thought further, it is not like I do not know Chinese. My level is actually sufficient for now. Just the travelling part that I am yearning for. hmm.. let time decide. The answer will come soon.

And university life is still as hectic for me. I think I can cope  =) Getting loads of help for my work all the time. Constant care from so many of them =) *Big thank you!*IMG_4281So, now, have a look at my baby spinach… All big and healthy =) *proud* And soon, its another report. Sighh.. OK, I think I should get some rest now and do work =)

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Thank you

Thank you to each and everyone who cared. And still cares. You all mean a lot to me. And I am really grateful about all I am getting now. I get care even from the most unexpected. This is something that lifts my mood up a lot =)

Thanks everyone for all the listening, counseling and constant teaching. I am going to learn and learn well. But… time is a factor. And no, I do NOT live in denial. I shall not too =)

As for now, I still cannot understand how can a person who LOOKED naive and also nice actually manipulate with the doings/thoughts/feelings of people. It is so hard to comprehend but sadly, she does exist. Like one who was once close to her said, time will tell. We do not need to specifically tell/warn others =)

And I still could not understand how a person who just know me thinks I look very bubbly but full of sad things going on inside me. That is the least thing I want people to think so. Cause I am walking out on all those. I believe its only time that will heal and bring me out of all these =) I know I can do it =) And thanks for reminding me that a lot of people do care for me =D

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A short one…

1. Busy. Very busy indeed. This coming week is so gonna hit me hard. More sleepless times.

2. Had Secret Recipe cakes. Yes, plural =P

3. Hand is not behaving well. But I think I learn to cope better with pain now. Well, if my mood is good, the pain seems to be better. If I am sad or however, the pain feels terrible. Some sort like this. I do not know?!

4. Missing the specific someone a lot. =( I want to talk to him.

5. Looking forward to Ann’s arrival =D

6. Trying to get this into my head: “Learn to give with an open heart. Orelse, learn to say NO!”

7. Just wants some people to know that I do know you all really care about me. But sometimes, its not a matter of whether you-say-and-I-do-it thing. Things are not always as easy. Only, just only, you all try to really understand.

8. Am trying to tell people that karma is an existent issue. However, it might be because I think the world is unfair and wants to justify it that the world is NOT unfair by using karma. The world probably just needs time to balance out everything. I am starting to doubt myself even. I will try to sound more convincing next time.

9. Has been going through a lot emotionally but prefer to just sweep through them. Those who knows, thank you for caring. Those who do not, it was never meant for you all to know then. So, do not ask. =)

10. Am wondering whether to make it to Shanghai or internship. Dr Song, please… I am waiting to see what’s the catch =P

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