Just want to rant

I am so sorry to post such a post rather than the promised field-trip-to-Ampang-Forest post. But I just feel very heavy at heart. Very confused feeling. Everything jumbled up!

I actually cried myself to sleep last night, rather than not being able to sleep. Ok, perhaps it was also because I was unable to sleep. Everyday, I wake up early, never sleep in. When I got home, I am damn tired and had to really nap. When I wake up from my nap, I do not really get much work done. And I have to force myself to sleep around midnight. Usually, I would only be sleeping *successfully* after 1.30am. The cycle repeats. THIS IS SO EXHAUSTING.

Guess what?! I am not even Chee Sian who travels early to school at 6am by BUS or on FOOT for TWO whole hours. Yet he got work done! He is really disciplined and grabs time well.

Another example would be Mun Keat. Can you imagine someone who would rather ARRIVE at university at 6.30am EVERY WEEKDAYS even though his class starts only at 9am, or even worse, 12 noon? o.O I do not know if he cope well with his works but I think he should deal fine since he is just in his second semester (with plenty of help from us so-called-seniors)!

Ok, what about Von Yi who has to deal with so much extra voluntary work which she could not afford to just let go? Tsk… I am really far from being a good student. I do not know if I really want things to change. Maybe I am just too stressed out about everyone completing work, ticking their to-do-list slowly yet I am here… BLOGGING!

Internet connection is another frustrating matter! Can you imagine downloading something, not even halfway through, it disconnects! I have to re-download the file again! HOW UPSETTING?! To load a page sometimes is really swift but when the internet is intermittent, I have to reload thousand times! ARGH! Makes me felt like I just want to watch some movie/drama or listen to songs/musics only.

I know it is ALL excuses. I could read what I have got and do what I can. But I did not. I chose to type this blog and update it when the internet allows me to! How disciplined! *clap clap clap*

Whatever my excuses are, I know there is something troubling me. Something I do not want to confide in most people. There is no need to tell others so much about this anyway. Not like they can help. I just figured sharing with friends is no longer the way when even people whom you think are friends JUDGE. But it is more like not wanting to see sympathetic looks/care from them!

One does know but I hope it stop there. I do not know why I told him even, out of the blue. Something I accidentally blurted out. But I believe he will keep it in. I hope. I just do not know why “it” came back to me. Maybe it is really environmental factor. I really need to manage the stress factor in order to prevent a full relapse. I do not want to be too dependent on certain stuff. I do not even know why out of so many, I am the one who got this. I know I am considered very lucky when many more others are at worse conditions. I think I should learn to be very grateful and glad its not any worse!

Still feeling heavy at heart,

The one who wants to be able to sleep as much as possible and forget about any other thing!!!


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