Of giving and accepting

Been very long that I did not type something here I guess. I have the urge to at times but then laziness overcomes everything =P

I can’t say I have been busy. As much as I was to admit to enjoying what I am doing now, I can’t fully say so. Perhaps I am a workaholic who denies being one. I feel like it is not intense enough. Or perhaps Monash was so intense with three full reports every week that I feel Nottingham is lacking? Haha…

Anyway, I just realised I should probably divulge a bit about my outlook on love. I have been very private about this topic in general. When I am in a relationship, perhaps not many know even! To keep the record straight, I do not fancy polygamous relationship but I think I have the tendency to flirt a bit too much. Well, at least flirt unknowingly? HAHA

I realised I am not going to write an essay on my point of view of love or my past relationship(s). Just wanted to jot down something for me to look back in the future. I quite fancy quiet and serious guys, knowing violin and/or piano will be great! They can be noisy and funny, but only to me or limited audience! Haha.. I met and been with a few like that (ok, take away the violin and/or piano in these cases).

Recently, I met a guy who tickle my fancy but I guess I am never the one who allows things to develop too far or too quickly. I have no patience when it comes to me doing the work. So, I let it be and it can be a good (secret) joke between me and my friends here that I will be the third party in his relationship (if he is in one). Don’t worry, just for the laughs. At the moment, I am too lazy to do anything. He noticed me but to what extent, I am unsure. But I am going to let it rest here. I am not sure why, or perhaps I do, and I just do not want to face it. Too burdensome, thinking of a long distance relationship. Of course, it will take more than the long distance thing to make me not want to face it =P I have a badly wired brain. Don’t mind me.

And out of the blue, I recall an incidence that happened not too long ago (i.e. two years?) I actually totally forgotten about it, until I was reminded of it… There was this guy (let’s call him A), I think he quite fancy me given that he invited me a concert, come to me at night for no obvious reason (i.e. I got you some pastries, so I am going to deliver them to you now =S), give me little gifts, etc. Well, it could be just friends as I tried to convince myself. Then… there was this guy friend at work whom I got too close (back then) and that got people talking as his girlfriend works in the same company too (the first guy used to work in the same company). I guess I should feel very bad now. I nonchalantly told the guy friend (who thinks A likes me too), that I can consider to be with A when I do not take him more than a good friend. His girlfriend seems happy for the show I put up while we had a weekend trip to a neighbouring country. I think what I did eventually did hurt A (I am not even sure if he knows the truth), as I made myself so unreasonable so he can back off. I am not very good in saying no to many a things, many a times. I am not even sure I can talk as I used to with A. I prefer to just ignore. Sigh. When will I grow up?

I hope one day, I can be someone brave enough to face all these and talk things through instead of choosing to hurt people indignantly. I do not take pride in how I resolved all these matter, including breaking up through messages. But… I have yet to grow brave enough and strong enough to do so. Maybe because of the mistrust, I do not deserve any better. Or because of my cowardice, I am left to solemnly wish for the best and happiness for them who so loved me before. I am sorry for the cowardice and inability to love. I sincerely am, especially to you who confessed to me oh-so-many-times-yet-I-never-take-your-feelings-seriously-until-it-is-too-late.

Am I broken?
The one who does not know how to love.


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