Author Archive

Of who drives me…

Probably a few things drive me to work hard and achieve things I thought I would not be able to. But I would want to note down one of the most important people in my life who is behind who I am and whom I will be…

I cannot feel prouder to tell how he is the man I look up to – since forever. He instilled discipline and integrity in me – and he does it via minimal talking and lots of actions. He always give without wanting anything in return. He thinks that me being a functional and happy being in this world is the best thing and he wants nothing more than that for me. I am super grateful for that.

Every time we talk, it was always about whether I am happy and comfortable doing what I am doing. He has high hopes for me and I am secretly thinking he felt like he pushed me to do what I am doing now. Hence his worry that I am not living my own life… rest assured, I am doing what I had wanted to and could not have asked for a better decision back then. And his words helped me make this decision which I would definitely have regretted had I not done it. 

He would also try to find out if I really do have enough money to maintain a lifestyle that I enjoy (which is never really the same since I don’t/will never have a household helper here lol), whether I am working too hard and not enjoying my moments… I know my family can provide me with an easy life without me having to work so hard (not that I work really hard, I just work a little harder than I would usually do). But.. he has always taught us to be independent, especially being away from family… Perhaps when he realised I am a little too independent, his heart breaks a little… perhaps it is just a little too long that I haven’t been home (time really flies by when you are busy!!)

It is just that now it is spring and I have to start getting things ready for the warmer season. My plants love it and I need them to love it. Haha.. I really do enjoy doing what I am doing! Anyway, we were getting another dyson (handheld one this time around), then he realised I am not asleep at 1am, he gave me a quick call before going to work (he was warming up his car..) to make sure I go to sleep soon. Remember the times when my sister and I get shoo-ed into our rooms and to our beds when it is after 10pm. Haha.. my sister and I would sneak out of our beds to watch midnight shows/repeats. Haha.. while fearing that he will come out then annoyed that we are not sleeping! He cares and loves so much…the unconditional love. He gave me my everything, my world.

The one who will try to live in the moment more.

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Of why I wrote…

Just this very moment, I suddenly remembered why I started writing this blog. It was not only to share the memories with friends and keep them posted about what I am doing but also because I have a terrible memory.

I would diligently write daily regardless of how hectic I was. And I do not know when and why (perhaps just that I grew up and prioritise other things, or that I felt people who can read about my everything made me very vulnerable…) I gradually wrote less and less.

I have such bad memory (I do not even know if I want to do something about it) that I cannot remember things I did just this morning or yesterday. But at times certain memories will came back into my mind. I feel embarrassed too that I cannot remember the names/faces of the people I might have met recently. I feel bad when people asked me something I actually read about but could only say maybe, perhaps, or so… (especially my supervisor).

Then it just struck me, why must I remember everything? If something is memorable, it will automatically stick. some memories fade with time anyway. If I have to remember everything, is that not so tiring?

Keeping life as simple as it can be,

The one who yearns for memorable memories.

 

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Of …

对自己的承诺…… 为何办不到?

不要犯贱…… 不理睬就是一定要不理睬!

They say: It is better to break your own heart by leaving than to stay and let someone break your heart every day. Or something along those lines. Picture reposted and don’t know where I read that paraphrased quote before :S

The one who should smell some coffee and wake up.

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Of being happy yet sad

I think I miss him more than I would like to admit. It’s even harder when you come home to a surprise postcard from him. It is all the more harder when he says he hope to see me soon and I possibly know we will never meet again.

Well, honestly, I did show him my stash of postcards but I never would have expected him to write me one. Heck, I don’t even know how he got my address?

I was surprised and happy.. He is just so sweet. Maybe it’s his way to make me miss him continuously! As if the grasshead in my office is not enough of a reminder? I think when the grasshead die.. That will be the time I let go of everything.. Maybe..

The one who should really not let ego overrides everything.

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Of my ugly mind

I am not ashamed to say I have lots of evil thoughts. I feel ashamed when people say I am nice and it gives me great pressure to live up to the word “nice”. Maybe you will think that I am being too hard on myself. Oh well.. I guess I have to live with my own monster, not you. 

I always try to think the best of people but there are times (sometimes too many times), that I felt some negativity about some other people. I never give myself the chance to put a full stop there. I still let myself interact more with the person (certainly not going out of the way to do that. Will just do so if situations allow). 

Today I cried again. It is really my hormones!! I cry too easily 😦 there is this girl whom I thought harbour a time-bomb. Definition of time-bomb must have been discussed somewhere in a previous blog post of something. Anyway, I used to be like that so I can see it in her. Today I told her about it and found out the true reasons (well, at least this meant that what I felt was real). And her stories (or rather memories) brought her to tears and subsequently, me to tears. Just because I cannot stand seeing people tear up. 

We shall never judge one’s journey.. No matter how easy or how hard it is for others because we are never (and can never) truly walking in their shoes. Reminding of myself few quotes on being kind. I don’t know the exact authors at the moment, Google will help but I am not going it now. Haha

– You always have a choice. Always choose to be kind. I think this is attributed to Dalai Lama. Don’t quote what I typed here. Haha

– Always be kind as you never know the war one is fighting. Maybe by Ralph Emerson? Again, don’t quote me.

The one who tries to be more emphatic and kind when possible.

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Of lovely pigeon 

Haha Agata’s last name means pigeon! Now if I see a pigeon, I’d probably think of her. That’s probably whenever I see a bird that resembles pigeon (or the pigeon in my head ha).

Agata is very lovely! I love talking to her. Sincere and heartwarming. On Saturday we had a little talk and one of her stories brought me to tears. She told me how in love her aunt was (is?) with the then fiancé and just because of the words of the ex-fiancé’s mom, she broke off the engagement and stayed single till now. I felt the love so strong that it brought me to tears. It sounds simple enough, I am sure it’s Agata and my hormones! 

Agata and Ben might not look like the perfect couple. Well, at first sight anyway. But I swear they are so great together. It is not even right to say Ben is so lucky to have Agata or vice versa.. They are just lucky to have one another. Ben will definitely be the best for Agata and their children (if they do stay together :D).

Agata’s view of marriage and family is so similar to what I want. It makes me feel like Ben is the perfect man (not for me, but for Agata). I am not sure I will find a Ben for myself but I do look forward to one. It warms my heart just to know Ben gives her a lot of great cuddles, even during sleep! How Ben can give her that “reassurance” in soft head pats, automatic back hug or cuddles, looking for her hand and hold it while sleeping/whenever he wakes up… It is so sweet. They are really perfect for one another. 

The one looking forward to attending A&B’s wedding.

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Of love and macrame

We had a macrame session at Lorna last week (pizzas and Coldplay concert on TV!) and last night, our second macrame session at Dasuni’s (Chinese takeaway and yummilicious Gu’s zillionaire cheesecake pots)! So good.

Made friendship bracelet and feeling proud of myself :p It was an eventful night. But just want to jot down something discussed in between. Felt sad and very selfish indeed but I just kept thinking if I don’t just give it a try, how will I really know?

A certain someone gives me flowers every weekend. Sounds sweet and romantic eh? I don’t really think we are a good match. But… Isn’t it sweet if someone knows how to give you “expected” surprises? Can’t say I am unhappy with receiving flowers but I can’t tell why I am upset too. Maybe just not wanting to lead him on? But you’d have to give credit to someone who is so persistent eh? Not too sure.. Sounds pretty selfish trying to convince myself to try it out with him…

What got me thinking about these was when the girls were talking about proposals and marriage. It sounds like most love happen naturally. I never expected my love to be a dramatic type. I always believed love can be nurtured. And hence being friends is a good basis to start if things/feelings are right. If you can’t even be friends, that says a lot about difficulties you’ll face in the future? But then again, there are some who reminded me there is no such thing as waiting for Mr Right! You have to catch Mr Wrong and make him the Mr Right! Haha… 

It doesn’t help too when many of the articles showing up on my FB newsfeed are about relationships (don’t settle for just anyone, learn to let go, learn to say goodbye, etc.). Really feel like I won’t be happily in love forever. Hence selfishly thinking I should just settle… Maybe I should really settle! :S It’s really sweet listening to others’ couple stories. I am not exactly jealous but I think I am envious. I think I am too insecure to be worthy of that love. Do I really deserve that?

Maybe I should give myself a “time”. Time to just settle… And stay positive things will be better as I work on them. Though I really prefer more effortless one. When will that “time” be? One month? Three months? Half a year? A year? Graduation? And what will be a basis to settle? When I can’t find the one (maybe there is someone out there that likes me and I quite fancy him, just I am too thick to see/feel or just straight stupid that I can’t see it) or the one I like doesn’t show interest? I don’t know! It hurts to think now..time to sleep.

The one who tries hard to not settle for just about anyone (but might fail to do so…).

P.S. I think the time will come that I will just settle.. Maybe in a few days time? A week? Ahhh..nevermind. When the time comes, then it will be! :X 

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